I'm a bit depressed...

I truly know in my mind that going to school will be the best thing I could have accomplished. I will have one of the most secure jobs, and it is something I truly love. I will be bringing something financially substantial to the table finally! However, my heart aches. It hurts so much being away from my husband and daughter as much as I am.

I have told people in the past where I was applying/attending and I tend to get a wide variety of responses. My favorite however... "OooOOhh, you said B. College? Oh, you'll do great there, it's such an easy school!" Seriously, if I hear another person tell me that the Jr. College I attend is easy, I might rip their head off.

I will agree with those people that the "other" classes are pretty easy. And by easy, I mean I still had to work my butt off to get my A's in my anatomy classes, micro, etc. How can working my butt off be easy? Well, now I am in the ADN program, and everything seemed easy.... even having a kid was easy.

I don't think people realize the extent of this program. They turn hundreds of people away a year for admittance into the program. I am so Blessed... so fortunate to be there! Really, it brings tears to my eyes sometimes, and I know that the majority of my classmates feel the same way. It is so hard when someone sees you in your uniform and says "Oh, your in the RN program? I've been applying for some time and keep getting denied, and I was for sure I would get in since I have a 3.25 GPA..." It's like, geez... I'm sorry. But I worked really hard too to get into the program, REALLY FREAKING HARD, and now I am working harder than ever to kick ass in the program.

My week looks a bit like this:
I wake up every day between 6 and 7am. I don't have class until 9am, but with only one vehicle for my husband and I to share/carpool to get us both to the places we need to be, as well as get the kid to daycare we have to be out the door by 8am. Keep in mind, we only live about 3-5 miles from my school.

I end up there until about 4:30-5:00pm. Part of that, is that on Mondays and Tuesday am in class from 9am until 4pm straight, with a one hour break for lunch. I sit in the same room both days...

all.

day.

long.

....fun....

On Wednesdays and Thursdays I am only in class until noon, however I stay up on campus studying the rest of the time because I have to study (I'll get into that in a second...). On top of that, I am kind of stranded up there anyways since I have no vehicle, so I might as well study. The hubs sacrifices his lunch hour and eats around his desk while working still in order for it to be kosher for him to head out and get me at that time. We have to coordinate this since the daycare is only open until 5:30pm, and since the hubs takes night classes from 5:40 until 6:50pm.

So if you read that correctly, I have seen my husband for not too much time. The time in the morning while I am getting ready (real quality, huh?) and the time we are in the car driving (10 minutes?) from the school back to the apt. He literally drops me and the toddler off in the evenings, and he heads back up to school to make it in time for his class.

Meanwhile, at the batcave... while the hubs is at school, I am making dinner (this week has consisted of grilled cheeses one day, scrambled eggs another, and leftovers). I'm pretty much exhausted, but want to spend a *little* time with my daughter. I'm sure she hates me right about now. I never get to spend any time with her either. We let her sleep in a little bit longer than we do mostly because she is not a morning person and would rather sleep until 8am (which is when we need to be out the door), so we end up having to rush her with breakfast and out the door. I spend about 15 minutes with her in the mornings in between me getting ready for school. I cherish the car ride to school, because that is my chance to really look her in the eye and tell her I love her with all my heart, and tell her I am sorry I dont get to spend that much time with her. Usually, I stretch my arm to the backseat and let her hold my hand up to her face. She will just caress it, and hold it to her cheek. It breaks my heart, but at the same time school has to get done.

So the evenings are a quick dinner (seriously quick... grilled cheese one day, and scrambled eggs yesterday are just a couple of my favorites) done by 5:45. At this point I am so exhausted, all I can function to do is pop in a video, since we dont watch regular tv programming that often. Curious George... I dont know how I would function w/out him, yet he is the bain of my existence. There have been many nights where I am just trying to hold and love on the toddler, but I have fallen asleep from utter exhaustion.

By 6:30-7:00pm, it's bath time. After ALL is said and done with the bath, dressing, meds (nebulizer... fun times), reading a book, or three, prayers, etc etc etc... it is usually pushing 8:00-9:00. So I put the toddler to sleep (btw, at this point the hubs has come home, but I have been taking care of the kiddo, so I havent really said much more than "Hi, how was your class? Oh, that's good... Sophia! Come here so I can put your pj's on!").

By 9:00 I finally get an opportunity to relax and unwind. I try and get some more studying done, and I am dead to the world between 10:00 and 12:oo am. The alarm goes off, the sun rises, and I do it all over again.

My weekends... well, now the fun stuff has begun. I dont get an opportunity to do much other than study. I get dropped off at the library for most of the day, again... dont see my husband or daughter. Meanwhile I kick ass at my exams and faculty evaluations, and everyone on the outside continues to think "See Maria... we told you it would be a piece of cake for ya!" Yeah, real piece of cake. What they dont know is that I have no life, and have been studying since day one, and hardly see my family. I am so busy I didn't even notice my cell phone had been dead for about 2 or 3 days. I'm still missing my set of keys, they have been gone since some time last week, but I figure if I am just up at school the whole time, do I really need them?

Why am I studying so freaking hard? Well, today we had our faculty evaluation over performing bed bath to a patient, positioning the patient, and applying TED hose, while remembering to follow the universal procedures that are *always* done. I did great, I got a 100, 100, and 95. Yay me. My friend however got failed on positioning. She was told to put her patient (another student) into the Sim's positon. So sort of on your side, sort of on your stomach for those that don't know. After all was said and done, she had performed it perfectly. Except, the professor looked it over and said that the pillow under her shoulder was a bit low, by about 2 inches.

She failed her.

Yes, seriously.

I felt so bad for Kelley. She will have to redo it, which I know she will rock. The thing is that if she gets a 100 on it, they average it with the failing grade, so the best she will do is a high C, low B, which will affect her overall grade in the class.

Do you see why I study so hard now? So now it's pretty clear why I am a bit depressed. Things are so chaotic I didn't even realize my birthday is next weekend. It just didn't click for some reason, and I kept thinking my birthday is like 3 weeks away.

Anyways, I am tired... it's almost 1am, and I have to go study tomorrow (surprise!). Goodnight world, say a prayer for all the nursing students out there struggling to get through school in order to save a life, and for all the nurses out there working tonight and every other night, and make sure to give the next nurse you see a big thank you for all the hard work she/he does.